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Hal Quotes

Hal Speaks!

  • Laughter is the best medicine, and it won't make you drowsy!*

  • Have you seen my retainer?

  • Ow! Mannequins can't hit thats a rule! Mannequins don't hit.


  • You can't turn away now, the fun's just begun and there's plenty more to come! Hey, that rhymes...first sign of insanity!

  • I give the people what they want!...and it's Minky Boy to you!

  • Me neither! (Hal's never going to pee like a woman again.)

  • I know I have some big shoes to fill and since I wear a womens size 6 my work cut out for me...

  • A host must have his secrets!

  • I broke the banana. I broke it.

  • Look, I hate the rich as much as the next guy, but nobody farts like the poor...I don't think that's turbulance you're experiencing.

  • Individually wrapped slices of cheese! I love cheese! I love you guys!

  • Family car trips are so much more pleasant now that we can fit granny in the trunk.

  • There's... there's more cheese?

  • Hal is short for high-order assembly language.

  • Somewhere out there Gene Simmons is quaking in his platform boots.

  • 7 years of missing panties and she never suspected a thing.

  • Let's face it, showering can be stressful, with all the lathering and rinsing and rinsing and lathering...

  • At least they match - it would have been embarrassing if he'd dressed as the indian or the construction worker.

  • Don't give fireworks to paralyzed children!

  • What could be more fun then interviewing a primate? Anything..really.

  • My name is Hal Sparks and I'm sitting on two phonebooks!

  • (sniffing armpit of monkey)New car scent! Altoids! Mommy?

  • Your blank stares are telling me this is going very well...

  • What did the Apollo astronauts land on... Their feet!

  • Stay tuned Soupers, cause after the commercials things will get all kinds of smooth and sexy!

  • And of course by Madam I mean She-pimp!

  • That's funny, he doesn't look female, but then again on Jerry you can never tell.

  • Gee that's terrible, fat sucks!

  • Hi! I'm Hal Sparks and I might be new, but everyday and in every way now I'm getting more and more dysfunctional.

  • Hello! These are the jokes people! Comedy is fun!

  • Hi! I'm Hal Sparks and I think my water just broke! We'd better wrap this up!

  • Celebrity Waste-Not! Too fat for Springer!

  • As seen on TV its all the excess addapose tissue from Jerry Springers thighs.

  • Fix her hair and shave her chest, she's my kinda girl.

  • That man is sexually harrassing that desk!

  • Gonzo and Rizzo are kinda the second string of muppets, I think Kermit and Miss Piggy were off doing the today show... Lahdeedah!!!

  • If we asked them (Kermit and Miss Piggy) to do our show they'd probably just send us a broken tickle me's crying, why is it crying??

  • No one can tame all that cute it's precious!

  • Well, the guys at the X Show pretty much have covered it. They've dumped water on women, they've looked up their skirts, they've painted their naked bodies, and now they're killing them. If they actually ever talk to a woman, I'll s--- myself.

  • Did you see the size of that chin? He must be lord of the jungle!

  • Its not exactly soul train, but the outfits are similar!

  • Who said white people can't dance?

  • I once did this (yambo) at my best friends house in the basement at a party in the closet with a girl.

  • You know, It's great that if you feed one of those weasels x-lax you get a Frappuccino! And if you've ever frapped in your ccino you know what I'm talking about.

  • You know, coffee tastes great after its been passed through a weasel, but after its been passed through Andy( Richter, of Conan) it's delicious... Frappuccino!

  • Uh... I don't know. I like Jalapeno, you know. uh... Hallelujah. It's pretty tired, but if you really decide you don't like me, simple chronic halletosis seems to work. It's a little long to say, but relatively accurate. (on nicknames)

  • I saw a guy in his car yesterday doing the same thing, but it wasn't a balloon. ( Pretends to pick his nose ) I'm a pickin' and I'm a grinnin'!

  • I'm Hal Sparks. Hey, enough with the formality! Just call me Hal...Or Jalapeno!

  • SNOOKEY!!!!

  • I'm being targeted to be whacked!

  • I'm dirty...but in a good way!

  • Answer every question with a quote from Goodfellas is my advice.

  • She also gives Rick one more chance to get his wife back, which he blows right now.

  • We kissed in a bathing suit, which is how you get pregnant isn't it?

  • Mmm....tastes like beer ass chicken!!

  • Welcome back regular viewers, and those of you with constipation as well.

  • You know that was the most painful somersault I've seen since kindergarden. I think next week thats gonna be on America's Funniest Redneck Home Videos.

  • Hold still, this won't hurt a bit.

  • This doesn't sound like a manly clip... Where's the manly man man stuff?

  • You all remember Ana Gasteyer as one of the hilarious ladies on Saturday Night Live, but years ago she was just a horny little girl like you and me. Wait I didn't say that right.

  • I wonder what the secret handshake was...

  • Thanks for calling Talk Soup, we are this much closer to a cure.

  • You can't even urinate on a cop without being hassled by the man.

  • I'm not an alien but I play one on TV.

  • It's not the size of your butt, it's what's in it that matters.

  • This is sooooooooooommmmmeeee pizza!!!

  • There is a picture of my head on Courtney Cox's body floating around somewhere.....

  • Actually I have a morning mirror ritual myself... I turn my right shoulder forward, like that, you know, best side...raise the left eyebrow, stick the left lip up, pull on this ear, stick this one in the other ear, and lift my foot....That perfect! That's my best side!

  • If you're going to cheat, cheat up!!!

  • Have we lost all sense of decency and decorum? I mean call me old-fashioned, but my mother brought me up to respect women. After all this guy is talking to his wife...and her best friend's fiance. Is chivalry dead? How dare he call her a hoe? The word is whore. In this crazy fast paced world it may be hard to fit everything in during the day,but please take the time to pronounce the R...or the silent W. Make the your wife a whore....After all, the kids may be listening...set an example.

  •'re watching Talk Soup..We're just having a few laughs, that's all.....

  • Big Guy--Easy on the confetti, Tom!

  • Most people don't ever get to taste their own cheek...

  • See, it's Cinderella, cept she's a hooker!

  • Hey, it's Talk Soup. I'm Hal Sparks...lover, fighter, comic, lover, baker, lover, candlestick maker...lover, comic lover....I love comics!

  • My favorite outfit is of course my shorts 'n my socks and tighty whities...isn't that sexy? *shakes head* no....

  • That kid's gonna get his ass kicked on the playground!

  • Welcome back to Talk Soup! You look good...I mean real good!...I mean bad good...

  • Banana bad!

  • Gergenblurgin! I'm your host Hal Von Sparks! Vould you care for a vinersnitshzel?

  • Be very, very quiet, I'm hunting ass!

  • What are we in this society, savages?

  • The good news is, Mitzi is beautiful. The bad news is her boyfriend ran off with a 12 year old boy. He has a type!

  • The universe really is circular! I'm flyin'...I'm flyin'

  • Now go try to get a date onion breath patchy head.

  • Try to say that without smiling. (Yasmine Bleeth) What do you do with a drunken actress?
    What do you do with a drunken actress?
    What do you do with a drunken actress?
    Play a game of Yambo!

  • Friends, are you like me? Do you like to throw on a blindfold and sniff other peoples armpits?

  • Smell away, Joy!

  • Sit still twitch biscuits, cause I'm just gettin started!

  • I sat on a roman candle last weekend and brother did it smart.

  • If your kids are confused at all by this controversy there is a new book that introduces them to the world of dung art. 'Horton Take a Poo!' Horton made something, it was more than a fart, and now it's hanging up in the Brooklyn Museum of Art!

  • I'm Hal Sparks! One size fits all...for your shopping needs.

  • Just ahead Donny Osmond takes a ride on the geek mobile and gee willikers does he love it! Heh, neat!

  • Just in case you're wondering, the answer is "Yes." But only on the weekends because it takes like seven hours for me to do it right.

  • After that, the powers that be at Fox and Friends decided that their hosts weren't white enough and they hired a jar of mayonaise.

  • Stay tuned because this show is HOT! HOT like the devil's crack!!

  • (On the 15 year old stripper...well.. not literally!!) "Teacher! We want to play tetherball and she won't get off the pole!!!!" "Just put some Pokemon cards in her g-string and she'll leave."

  • Welcome talk to back soup, I'm your Sparks, Hal host...

  • Hi, I'm Hal Sparks and welcome to my head.

  • That's a whole lot of love.

  • Time for a break. Grab some party mix and use a funnel cause it's a quicky.

  • If you're a viewer that's a promo, if you're a celebrity that's a warning.

  • Folks, I'm kidding- sorta.

  • He's getting older, and he's getting meaner.

  • I have this ice desk at home, and it's really cool, because it's got a place for your monitor, but you have to keep the room at 400 degrees below 0... celcius. And it's hard to type with mittens on.

  • Oh, I never wanted to be a trombone so much in my life...

  • The first question that comes to mind is why?!

  • There are too many rules in your weird little game!

  • I'm confused. Why would you want a beach chair made out of ice? That's like a wind sock made out of fire... we're going to take a break now because i'm confused...

  • Wow... crap.

  • In this view clip, the ladies will try out a product called luscious lips, named after me.

  • Shy guys need lovin' too... like Hal Sparks.

  • Mm-hmm... mm-hmm... tell me about that... und ven did you start to hate your mother?

  • Wait a moment, I may not even need a pickup line- i can just show my butt!

  • Never mess with a midget who knows fractions, boy!

  • That's the first raspberry in judicial history.

  • A yam?! for me?!

  • Don't go changing... well, just your socks. remember, one week, tops!

  • I like to kiss the girls. But I'm painfully romantic. I like to be in a relationship and have lots of sex, so that doesn't really count as a vice.

      *Laughter is available by prescription only. Use only as directed. Some side effects are known including stomach cramps, runny eyes, muscle spasms and stool in the blood. Do not operate heavy machinary while laughing as may lead to accidental crushings. One time a man ran over his friend with a mulching lawnmower while remembering one of my jokes, maybe i dreamt that, anyway be careful. Oh and whatever you do don't laugh in Church. These people are very inharent humorous nature of what they are saying and even the slightest giggle makes them feel like the whole charade is crumbling this usually drives them to unfortunate acts like bombing and redundant legislation. Thanks for reading and FYI- constant laughter cures cancer